22nd of December, 2012
The world has ended and all of humanity stands before God to be judged.
*Enter the Atheist
Atheist: Em, how are you doing?
God: Tired as f*.
Atheist: Em, are you allowed to swear?
God: Who’s going to stop me?
So you really exist.
Atheist: Well, this is awkward.
God: Tell me about it. You should have seen my face when I found out Elvis hadn’t died. The sneaky bastard.
Atheist: So I guess I’m in big trouble?
God: Hold your horses.
Let’s see here.
(after a few minutes of frantic clicking)
Atheist: Is something wrong?
God: It’s this stupid machine. Word of advice, never get a Mac, thing just makes life so difficult!
Atheist: Um, okay.
God: And on the most important of days!
That Gabriel is so fired. Messenger of God my foot!
Where is he? He needs to fix this before people start getting testy.
Gabriel: Yes, my Lord.
Gabriel: What seems to be the problem, my Lord?
God: Every time I click something, everything freezes and the rainbow wheel won’t go away.
Gabriel: Yes, my Lord. This will only take a second.
(after a few seconds of typing and clicking)
Here You are, my Lord.
God: About time.
(turns back to Atheist)
God: Okay, here we go.
Atheist, you have committed no mortal sins on your time on earth, you have treated your fellow man with love and respect and have helped those less fortunate than yourself.
Pass on right through to Heaven.
Atheist: Are you serious?!
God: Yup, you’ve followed my rules without having the fear of God in you. You are genuinely good. More than I can say about those Christian hippies.
God: Do you want to go to Hell?
God: Then get out of my face! I have like 7 billion other people to interview.
(mumbling under his breath)
Damn humans breeding like rats.
Atheist: Yes, Sir. Thank you, thank you.
God: Yup, and another thing, when you get to the Pearly Gates, don’t dally with that St. Peter, he’ll talk your ears off.
Atheist: Yes, yes.
God: See you at the welcome party after you’ve settled in. I hear we have Kenny Rogers performing! I absolutely love him!
See you then.
God: Yeah, yeah.